Seeing things through a different lens...

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Wednesday, January 8, 2020

I received a very disturbing email from Holly, my former wife, regarding my first blog entry as ‘The (semi) Retirement Guy’.  She was upset with me for sharing details about what happened to me, and us, seven years ago.  This bothered me terribly because although I could not remember what I’d written exactly, I’d thought (or intended to) convey two very salient points. First – we were both hurt through what followed and led to our finally getting divorced in October, 2014, but continued to do everything that followed from a mutual love for each other.  I have never stopped loving Holly and never will.  We fell in love as teenagers, had four amazing children and, always in step and together, raised them in a loving, caring environment.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt Holly and anyone who knows me well understands that – no one, I believed, more than her.

Second – though I only alluded to the help she gave me so that I could be where I am today, which is able to retire, it was only through her fairness and generosity in our financial settling of our marriage that I have the means to do so.

We spoke on the phone a day later at which time she acknowledged that, in fact, people do tend to view anything they read, hear about, or experience through the lens of their personal life experiences.  Holly had said she’d had a friend read what I’d written and suggested that I was ‘trying to get back at her’.  Since I have nothing to ‘get back’ at Holly for and have never felt that way, it was hard to read anything I’ve written and interpret it as such. 

Over the years since our break-up, no one who knows of our ongoing relationship understands it.  Even my closest family and friends struggled at first to get how we still gathered for Sunday family dinners, holidays, and some times just to catch up.  I tried to explain in terms they could understand that Holly and I not only loved each other and had a forty-year shared history filled with mostly happy events, but that we still ‘liked’ each other and cared deeply about what was happening to the other.  I don’t know how most marriages break up or what people who once loved each other enough to get married put each other through, but Holly and I, an experience of one, would treat each other with love and respect throughout the process and until this day.

I should also say that although it was Holly who met someone else, I learned to ‘own’ the reason it happened.  I was not a good husband in all aspects of what that really entails.  I took her and us for granted, assuming she would always be there and that I could do as I pleased without consequence to our marriage.  Where were the flowers?  Where was the understanding that you need to take an interest in what your partner likes and wants and try to do those things for them?  Why wasn’t I starting each day wondering what I could do that day to make her life a little better or special?  I was too interested in what made me happy to be thinking about what would make her happy.  I blew it then and I know it now.  It may be the most important ‘take-away’ I have and has led me to the person I am now – someone who actually does try to think of what I can do to make those I love, especially the one with whom I'm currently in a relationship, know that I’m thinking about, and caring for them.

I told Holly that I’m writing things in my blog now for the purpose of not only telling my story in a cathartic way, but in hopes that someone that doesn’t know me at all would read what I’ve written and gain something useful.  Sorry, Holly.  Though I may know a few people as good as you, I can think of no one better.