MiraLAX...breakfast of champions

Monday, March 14, 2016
I drank my final 32 ounces of Gatorade laced with Miralax a little after 4 a.m.  By seven, it was kicking in with a vengeance as I came to the conclusion my doctor’s office was pissed off at me.  I’d been there in November and gone through the colonoscopy and probably said some stupid shit while under the influence of the drugs they’d used to knock me out.  Then I came back and they had me for another one and the lady in the office prescribed not eating for a week and giving me enough laxatives to fill the manure pit at the farm, which holds shit for 36 horses!  That’s all I could figure as I headed for the toilet and saw only Gatorade filling the bowl.  I was more than cleaned out, but would be doing this for another five hours, at least.

I waited until there was at least 30 minutes between trips to the bathroom to climb in the car and make the drive to the farm.  I figured I could hold it for that long and just sprint to the bathroom once I got there.  It kind of worked that way…but it was more of a waddle than a sprint once I arrived.  Ironically, I’d come in to push up the manure pile.  Good place for me.  After handling several small items, I got back in the car and drove home to await Kimberly’s arrival for my trip to the doc’s.  Though I’m sure I could drive after having all those drugs, I’m definitely a good driver-definitely, the office insisted I have someone to take me home.  Kimberly wanted to hear me say stupid shit and make a fool of myself and so she’d volunteered.  Silly girl.

We arrived a couple of minutes late and then I had to sign something that took away all my rights to complain later and headed back for the procedure.  The nurses and anesthesiologist recognized me from the last time and everyone was fighting over who was going to get to take care of me…or at least that’s how I saw it.  They wheeled me into the probing room and the last thing I remember before nodding off was a discussion about Trump and politics.  I suppose the place he was about to stick his camera reminded him of that man…

I came around to find Kimberly sitting with me and a nurse telling me I’d been terribly concerned about the time and Donald Trump.  “You said you support him and that you want hair just like his.”

Well sure…what bald man wouldn’t want a head of hair like that!  I challenged her to the veracity of her story, but she stuck to it.  “Tell me you didn’t record me saying that,” was all I could think.

Kimberly helped me to the car...I felt a little drunk…and we drove to Bob Evans where I downed a ham and cheese omelet with three pieces of buttered toast and a side of hashed browns.  I hadn’t had solid food in almost 72 hours and it hurt a little.  We did make it to the park a little later and enjoyed the tree frogs chirping their melody in the vernal pond on one of the bridle trails.  I ended up getting in 10,000 steps for the day, which I felt was quite an accomplishment considering my condition. 

Hike duration: 60 minutes
Training Heart Rate:75 bpm.
Calories burned: 350.
Bonus: 10,200 steps for the day.